So, I’ve always been a spiritual person. I grew up in Wisconsin and we had a forest in our backyard and I remember spending most of my days in that forest. I grew up in a Christian home, with lots of love, singing, and really just fun surrounding all things having to do with God, which I feel really fortunate about. I vividly remember being 5 years old and sitting on the forest floor and I sensed God speaking to me. I remember feeling like God said, ask me into your heart. At the time, we took communion at my family’s church and I would help clean up after the service and wanted so much to drink the grape juice and those crackers! So when I heard this invitation from God my first thought was, yeah, and I could drink the grape juice! That sealed the deal for me. I can almost picture my little 5-year-old self, with my blonde hair, I basically looked the exact same way that I do now, kneeling on the forest floor and asking God to come into my heart. It was real. I ran inside and wanted to tell my mom but was afraid she wouldn’t take me seriously, apparently since I asked for this in the forest! Haha…so I ran and sat at the piano, surely this was a more appropriate place to ask the God of the Universe to come into my heart! So, I bowed once again and said the same prayer. God will come into my heart, will you be my Savior? So sweet! My mom still kind of brushed it off, I think since I was so young…but it was real. I grew up from there and had moments in my life that I didn’t always understand how my spiritual life could fit into this world. Unless I was a preacher like my Grandpa or shared “the gospel” with my co-workers, how would I incorporate my faith into real life?
I would say that I have lived my life, for the most part, in service to God, this great love that has been with me every step of the way. But, this did not keep me from some pretty significant hardships and trauma.
I was fortunate enough to marry the love of my life at a pretty young age. We had 4 pregnancies and birthed 2 children, Emma & Josh. They are my greatest creation! As much as I loved my husband, we had some pretty challenging times, much of them tied back to the use of alcohol and my inability to know how to cope. Unfortunately, this led us to divorce.
After this my life continued to have tremendous stress, I became the owner of a business, which I loved, but the business was riddled with legal problems that I was not able to overcome. I fell in love and with this newfound partner, I thought, oh now I have arrived. We combined our homes after 3 years of dating. I thought this was paradise! I didn’t realize that I was still carrying so much hurt and trauma from the years of living with an alcoholic and not giving myself the care that I needed. But God was so good to me, I landed a job that I freaking loved and this set me on a path of what I assumed would be a lifetime of success and ease. I spent the next 3 years raising my children, working hard, and trying to enjoy life.
Underneath it all, I still had stacks of trauma, and what I call “programs” running that little by little, sabotaged my life. I lost that job I loved which led me on a self-reliance journey, and it worked great! I made money, I was living my dream but there was a black cloud around my life. Looking back now I see that it was all of my suppressed emotions…but I didn’t know it.
One thing after another led to a fateful day, that I won’t get into now, but let’s just say, everything that was precious in my life fell, like a crystal palace, shattered - leaving me alone and desperate for answers. I went back to my spiritual practice with intense ferocity and through this dedication, I began to uncover (with the help of a mentor and counseling) that I had been stuffing so much pain, hurt, and denial.
About this time the world began to shut down. I had just returned from Paris, France where my partner showered me with so much love for my birthday. Though my life was far from perfect, I was beginning to see how little I had valued or loved myself. A few months passed and I began working for a friend, which gave me a chance to be busy. “When we get busy, we get better.” This is such a true statement. My life was still shattered but little by little I was rebuilding myself. It was during this time that I planned a vacation for me and my kids. I planned this trip to spend time with them, so much had happened and all I longed for was a quality time of connection with them. We had planned to go to Rhode Island, but it was shut down due to the pandemic so we made a swift decision to go to our family in California which was truly divine intervention.
In the weeks leading up to the trip, I began to notice that my ankles were hurting. I thought it was my shoes. I am a runner and I thought it was some type of shin splints. So I changed shoes and began treating myself as if this was the cause. It didn’t help, in fact, my ankles grew worse, so much so that one day on the way back home from our run, I collapsed to the sidewalk and my partner began vigorously massaging my ankles. I burst into tears not knowing what was happening to my body. It helped and I was able to make it home. Normally, I would have gone to the doctor, but thankfully, due to the pandemic, this was not an option. So, I was left wondering what this was, it was sporadic and perplexing. I went with my family to California and we had an incredible time, my ankles would flare up, but if I put them in ice-cold water it would ease up. I was scared to run on my own, so I stayed close to the kids, tried all kinds of creams and over-the-counter drugs. Nothing worked except for the occasional dip into the ice-cold waters of Northern California or a wash bin. (Later, I would realize that the ice cold shock took me out of a trauma state and into present moment.) I grinned and bore it because I didn’t want to take away from the special time we had while we were there. My daughter got engaged on that trip and my son turned 18; all cause for great celebration. It was exactly what we needed. But still, there was something wrong with me, and I didn’t know what.
I came home and the world was still in lockdown. I tried to simply ignore the pain. I continued my spiritual recovery, uncovering many past hurts and my inability to process emotions. I was like WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?! I literally had to google to get a list of "emotion" words, I was out of touch with them. I cried out for help, asking God, all of the universe, to guide me to my answer. And one evening, it came.
One of my best friends reached out to me, inviting me to listen to a practitioner that was using, what we now know, a modality that helps release suppressed emotions and heal our body. We didn’t have those words at the time, she was just like, I don’t know what he does, it’s like all “woo-woo” but it works and I think you’d be interested. I immediately knew I had to be there, so I committed to attending. I left work that day and headed to the location, I brought a little journal and found a seat. The practitioner began his presentation by talking about the brain. This usually would be super boring to me, but he was talking about the brain and how there are two parts (there are more parts than that but for this story, he referred to two), the conscious and the non-conscious. He drew a picture of the brain and how it takes in information, images, and emotions. He walked us through what happens when the brain perceives danger, in this story, a Bear. Bit by bit he walked us through how when our brain perceived danger it moves into fight or flight. Everybody knows that, right? And then we escape from the bear, we survive, our system calms down and then everything in the world is right again! That is how it’s supposed to work. But, it doesn’t always.
I will never forget what he drew next. He drew a tiny line at the front of the brain drawing and explained that when our brain doesn't calm down and when we perceive the threat is still there, it creates interference or what he referred to as a closed door. When this happens, the signals get interrupted, our body doesn’t calm down as it should, we are not appropriately processing emotions and our system gets jammed up. This is what causes Dis-ease. He then said the most simple thing; that the Bear wasn’t what caused the stress to our system, it was the Fear. One letter changed everything. It is the Fear that is keeping us from being able to heal, to process, to live fully in ourselves, to experience joy, and to ultimately be in touch with our Source of life. For the first time, Science and my Spirituality merged.
At this point, tears began to flow down my cheeks. I knew this was my missing antidote. The practitioner demonstrated the process to a woman in the audience, that I knew. She was a no-nonsense, very well-respected part of our community. She laid on the table and within minutes she was relieved from a neck pain that had been crippling her. I was shocked. I was like, is this voodoo? Is he a healer from God? The whole spectrum! What is this guy doing? I didn’t care at that point and I made an appointment to visit him, seeking help with my ankles.
There is so much to tell in regards to what happened next…but that is for another time. The gist is that within one session I had relief from my ankle pain, but more importantly he shared with me that this was tied to me not being able to let go. Let go of what? I didn't know. Within 3 sessions I was pretty much recovered from my ankle ailment, realizing that it was frustration and resentment that was clogged in my ankles. I didn’t stop getting treatments because each time something I desperately needed, emerged.
The modality he used is The Emergence Process and the practitioner is my practitioner Charles Robertson. Over the next few months, I worked my spiritual program and had my sessions with Charles unfolding years of stacked trauma, suppressed emotions, and a list of self-sabotaging programs. That was 2020 and since then I have committed myself to this journey. I earned my certifications to be able to provide these sessions to the people in my life. I have seen miracles physically and spiritually in every single person that participates. When combined with a dedicated practice of self-care, this process unfolds before you all of the answers, allowing you to connect to the Divine and live the life you were meant for.
For me, this process is deeply spiritual and wildly scientific. For the longest time, these two were not allowed to be in partnership, but now, thanks to the work of so many in the science field (shout out to Bruce Lipton) it is undeniable that our Creator has made all things good, and that everything belongs (Richard Rohr).
I approach my practice with deep reverence, I am not the healer, God is, God in you. I am simply a guide, a coach when asked, and a participant in the journey to this world becoming a kinder, more loving place.
When we come in contact with the Divine and we realize it is within us, with us, and always has been there for us, we are forever changed. We change from distortion to a form of perfection, created in the image of God, we come home to ourselves. We relax into the seat of our soul and from this place we finally can begin to live.
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